She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
