I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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