I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
