Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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