Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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