I just cut my nipple shaving
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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