It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
