I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
