I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
