Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
