Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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