She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
