the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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