Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
