do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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