Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
