So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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