I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
