Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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