I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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