somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I touched a dick in church today
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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