You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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