New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
