The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
