i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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