God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
