I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
