is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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