here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
