He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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