Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
