tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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