if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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