I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
