I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
