Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize