you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
