i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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