Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
