I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
