If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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