Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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