I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
