i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
