Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
