Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i love accidental penises.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
