I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
