So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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