"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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