my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
