when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
