Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
