I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
