my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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