No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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