: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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