Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
