So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
