I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
porn star boner night. come get it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
