I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
